Sunday = Relaxation

Today is my day off after 6 days of work at Disneyland. It was my first week as a lead again and boy was it exhausting. It's hard not to feel like a screw-up when I make so many mistakes, but in my defense, I was thrown right into the most difficult shifts while the other new leads are working their mids. I'm not complaining because I love a good challenge. It's been great getting back into the swing of the lead thing for Disney. It reminds me of the girl I used to be and I'm loving it! Hmm...I thought I was in the mood to blog but I'm too brain dead. More later...

Too much thinking...

Today I have spent all day home alone with a headache. It's now 7:08pm and Loc will be off work soon. Now that my alone time is nearing it's end, I found myself thinking even more intensely than before and desiring to write it all out....so here I am....almost a year after starting this empty blog...hoping it will bring me solace.

My thoughts today revolve around life....namely, my life...because I feel like in the last year, I have recovered or discovered anything worth mentioning. Loc and I just hit the year and a half mark (something I used to track much more closely) and I feel like we are no closer to some big changes in our lives than we were when we started. I'm not saying I'm not happy, but I want so much more for myself...and for us. Life always throws curve-balls and halts our plans, but it's our response to those hurdles that brings about more clarity and challenges us to keep going with those plans, no matter what gets in the way. Just when he started bringing up marriage again, I lose my job and start doubting everything I'm doing and all that I've become. After talking it out with a friend, I feel more okay about ME, but it doesn't mean progress is happening at all and that makes me crazy.

I just spent the last 15 minutes looking at recent pics that friends have posted on facebook and I feel like I was slapped in the face. Everyone is doing what I thought I'd be doing in my 30th year on this earth. I wanted to me a good wife and mother with a settled career path and goals for the future. I never cared about where I lived, but I just wanted to have something to be proud of for the time I've been here. I graduated from high school 12 years ago in June, and I have nothing to show for it. I've bounced around from job to job with no real career goal to shoot for. I got married and then divorced 2 years later from a guy I thought I was ready to have kids with....BIG mistake there!!! And I thought I'd have both of my kids running around me. Instead I'm watching all of my friends have beautiful babies while I work a $10/hour job in the same place I worked a decade ago while my boyfriend tries to decide if he will ever propose to me. Deep down I feel like I was his rebound girl and I'm afraid almost every day that he's settling. Maybe he's my rebound too...and don't they say that everyone has a rebound person after a big break up; a person they will never be with for too long? I don't know. The older I get, the more I realize just how TRULY different everyone's lives are from one another. How can I ever compare myself to anyone else? It's so silly!

It feels good to spew this crap outta my head, but I'm secretly hoping to find some answers while I'm writing....think it'll work? Doubtful! All I know is that when October comes and I hit 30 years old, it's going to be hard not to hit a major funk from not accomplishing anything in my 20's other than mass failures. I used to think I could never fail at anything...I used to think it was all a part of the journey, but after the divorce, I began to rethink everything. How can you have these major life goals and not believe in the one thing that holds them all together: marriage? I'm so thankful that I believe in a God who can make the impossible seem possible. I never give Him enough credit for being as awesome as He is. No one loves me, or will ever love me, like He does. I know He won't let me live my whole life without some of my dreams becoming reality, but I know that fear does not come from Him and that seems to be something I struggle with the most. More than not believing in marriage, I am afraid of "forever". I'm afraid of my own choices. I think them to death when I should do more living and learning from the experiences I have.

I'd love to look at my failed marriage as a series of life lessons, but it's hard when it's so publicly based on the decisions I've made. It's incredibly embarrassing. I know that my friends and family worry that I'll make the wrong choice again...just like I do. And while there are a ton of similarities between Loc and Henry, there are some MAJOR differences. Those are the things I focus on with Loc, unless someone starts pointing out the similarities again. It's an exhausting roller coaster that I feel like I'm riding. That roller coaster partnered with the depression I wish so much that I was free from make for one hell of a ride. Sometimes it's amazing to me that I can find even one guy that can put up with it. LOL. I think that to end this first posting, I'd like to attach some photos to remind me that there are STILL so many things to be thankful for and happy about...